Sure, I have plenty going on right now but I just couldn't find the words to express what is going on and what I'm feeling. It's been hard and I'm just trying to get through each day without having a complete and utter break down.
Seriously. There is way too much going on in my life right now. With my mom's breast cancer diagnosis again, and my own health, I feel completely overwhelmed, on my own, and just stressed. It's been years since I've actually felt this stressed out. Not even through grad school did I feel this stressed--and that was stressful.
Growing up, I was so excited to gain an older age number each year and be closer to adulthood. I wanted so badly to grow up, move out, move on and be on my own. Seriously, what the heck was I thinking!? Why as a child did I think that being an adult was so easy. It's not. It's hard. Every day. I don't know why I thought that life would be easy for me as an adult. That it would be smooth. I guess I thought that since my childhood was not so smooth (it was good, just hard and difficult) that I would have a "good life" as an adult.
I know, I'm only 26 years old. I know I still have years ahead of me for it to get easier. But I don't feel like it will. I feel like Jake and I will never have a house. Like we'll never stop living paycheck to paycheck. That it'll always be stressful and hard. Life is hard.
I know, I know. Gotta pull myself out of this funky mood I'm in and get over it. I know that God has a plan for me. For us. But I am tired of everything being so difficult. I am trying to learn and figure out what God is trying to teach me. I wish it was more clear to me right now.
My mom's surgery is next week, on the 21st.
My surgery is schedule tentatively for November 21st.
Just hoping and praying that everything goes okay for both of us. I am so afraid.